12 September 2014

I just don't know. Kay, dear future self, first of all, I'm sorry that I haven't been posting anything for like a very long time. It's because, well, you know why. Portfolio tasks, not in the mood, procrastination, me. But today was like the ASDFGHJKL-EST day of my life! I just don't even know why! I don't know who should I tell so here you go -- dear future self.

Kay, we had Maths for the first period. Miss Nurse (a really nice, kind and very pretty student teacher) had been teaching us for like a week or so I'm not sure but yea, and today she was away. So, Mr McPhail, our "real" teacher taught us.

Anyways, I wanna sit besides EY (don't wanna tell who it was) but then she sits right at the end of a table and of course she was saving the seat next to her for LT (don't wanna tell too). So, I just seat somewhere else. It's not that I always sit besides her. Then, Mr McPhail for some reason said that we could just do some Mathletics.

So, we moved to a computer class to do it. At first he said that we're going to J11, so we just move to J11. During our "journey", EY, (and LT of course) wanna walk using a long way, like walk around the Science block. So, I just follow them. But then, EY said "You can just use the short way".

I don't know why I'm so emotional about it but, if she really does accept me as her "best friend" (as she once said so) why couldn't she just let me follow them? I don't know whether it's just me being too sensitive or, yea. Back to my story, then when we're all moving to J11, suddenly Mr McPhail said that it's actually at T1. So we all just move to T1.

In T1, I tried sitting next to EY, but again, she sat at the end of a table and LT sat next to her. So, again, I sat somewhere else, all by myself. And I, day dreamed the whole period. Suddenly tears form in my eyes. But I blinked several times and the tears disappear. I don't know why I'm just so sad. It's not like I've never sit all by myself before. It's not that I always sit with someone before.

But maybe the way I keep hoping on EY yet she keep going to LT rather than me, makes me feel I'm not worth to be a friend of. I know for fact that she had known LT longer but why can't she actually try to be close to me? Well, maybe it's cause I'm dumb. I don't know how to start a conversation, how NOT to make it awkward. I'm boring. I'm plain, and awkward.

It's actually sad how the one I accept as my first best friend accepts me for like her number 132  friend.

Whatever it is, after Maths was English. Everything went pretty much normal accept for the fact that suddenly all of the stuffs that made me so sad appear out of the blue in my head and the tears come backk and Omar noticed it. So embarassing. All of this while I cried and nobody notices. Damn. But well, that's kay cause I said I'm fine and he just minds his own business.

Then, it was recess! I hangout with my sisters of course. Then I told them how EY treat me and they were like blaming me for it and stuffs. KI (not telling which sister) don't even hear what I'm telling them. They left me behind and once again, the tears appear. I just don't even know why.

Then I heard they talked about me like "Such a crybaby". Well, not really like that but the meaning of it to me is pretty much the same. Then the bell rang and it was IT. I was the first one to come in the class and Mr Stewart asked me "How's your day going, Humaira?" I paused, and said, "Good" with a fake smile taped on my face.

TBH, I don't even know what I was feeling. But IT was pretty much okay. Maybe because I just day dreamed and overthink most of the time. Besides, EY is not in my IT class. So, I don't really have to deal with how sad, how my heart had broken into pieces because of her.

After IT was French. Miss Matthews is still sick so she was away. I was the first one to come in the class (again). So, Mr Sub (I'm not sure what's his real name) asked me "How are you going?". And I kept quite. Mainly because I'm disappointed that Miss Spensieri is not the one substituting our class. But what am I expecting for?

"Good?" Mr Sub asked me, waking me up to reality. "Yea" I replied. I just, don't know. French class is always awkward with substitute teachers. I asked SH (my deskmate in French) whether I could hangout with her during lunch. Then she said "Why?" I was like 'Why not?' but I just told her that how I'm going back to Malaysia next year so I wanna at least hangout with someone in my grade.

When the truth is actually I'm sad with my sister and I don't wanna see her and because I don't even have any friend to hangout with me. The bell rang and it was Humanities. Miss Gray didn't come for some reason. She told us before that we could do either our English task or Humanities.

Everyone was happy because no teacher to them means free time. And the're all laughing around and yeah. They sat besides their besties while me, all alone- again. Guess what I did? Cry. Until my jacket's all wet. I know, I'm such a crybaby. True enough what they said. SJF notices it first, then the whole class knows.

They all asked me why and it all made me feel even sadder. But I don't want them to leave me either. Even EY asked my why. Huhh, weird aye? How the one made me sad don't even know it's because of her. Maybe it is just me being too sensitive. I just don't know what I was feeling, what I actually want from it. I said it's nothing and they all just leave me alone as if there's nothing wrong with me.

After all of the drama I made, they all mind their own business until then it was lunch. I search for SH at her locker cause that's where she said we're gonna meet. I wait and wait yet I still can't find her. Then I think maybe she got kept in so I just went to the toilet to wash my face. (My eyes seems like panda's eyes due to too much crying).

On the way to the toilet I bump into SH and her gang. And she said "Owh, I forgot to wait for you" or something like that. I felt very sad like 'Why?' I was about to cry again (why am I such a crybaby?) but she invited me to come with them so I just hide my tears and follow them.

It was such a nice lunch I forgot how sad I am to her. I met a lot of different people and for some reason I felt kinda happy. (I haven't felt that kind of "happy" for awhile tho). We played truth or dare and stuffs eventhough I'm just too awkward and there's no word to describe how awkward I am. Awhile later, the bell rang and we have to go back to our classes.

The last period was Science. I came to the class (well, outside of class). I can only see Levent and Sonja. Levent said Hi (which is for the very first time) and Sonja was listening to music. So, I just mind my own business too. Ben came and joined Levent. Miss Savic came and open the door for us.

We all came in and Miss Savic asked us to sit in the seating plan she told us to. I just sat in my seat but everyone else didn't. So, they all sat besides their besties and you know what happened. I'm all alone. And you know what I did too. I cried. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.

But that cry isn't the same as the ones before. I tried blinking a few times but instead of disappearing, the tears rolled out down to my cheeks and dropped on the Science worksheet we're filling in. I tried to inhale and exhale a few times but it just won't stop. At first it was rolling out like Angel Falls but then it became like Niagara Falls.

I don't know why, I'm just too damn emotional about everything.

But it's actually kind of weird. One moment I don't even care about anything. The other moment I care about everything but I'm just okay about it. The other moment, I'm just, too damn emotional about everything.

I cried, and cried, and cried until my eyes turn into a panda's eyes once again. The whole class notices it. Again.  All of those stuffs that makes me sad re-appear in my head and I can't help but to cry, and cry, and cry. Miss Savic taught us about Substances which is a topic I've learnt before. I used to learn it with my friends, but where are my friends now?

Then awhile later Miss Savic told us to do some questions. While we were all opening our books, she told me to come with her. I was like 'What's happening?' 'What am I gonna do?' 'What is she gonna do?'. Then we went to this room I have never came in before. (I think it's the Science block staff room).

She asked me to have a sit and she starts asking me what's wrong and such. I don't know why I just can't tell her. I don't even know why am I feeling sad. (Well, I actually know but I don't know how to tell her). She said that it's okay to feel sad. She asked me whether I would wanna talk to her.

I honestly wanna but I just don't know how. She asked whether I wanna talk to Miss Gray. I'm not sure about it but still, I just don't know how to explain it all to them. Even if I do tell them, what are they gonna do? I don't think they'll be any difference.

Miss Savic said that she'll always be there if I needed her. Well, everyone said like that when they don't even. I don't actually know what I'm hoping for. I don't even know what's going on in my life. I don't know what I want from my life. I'm clueless, I'm helpless. I'm hopeless.

Maybe the fact that everything's different. Maybe the fact that I've been denying it for too long. I don't know. Back in Malaysia, I used to be the class assistant and pretty much everyone in my grade know me. It isn't a big school so pretty much everyone in the school know me. 

Since I was the class assistant, pretty much everyone tell their problems to me. Pretty much I'm the one solving their problems, pretty much I'm the peacemaker, pretty much I'm the one everyone needed. (At least I think so)

Now - everything is different. Only some of my classmate actually know me. And I don't think any of my grade level rather than my classmate even know my presence in the school. No one even tell their stories, their problems to me. No one even like, say Hi to me that often. No one even need me.

And for some reason, I don't think I can solve my own problems by myself anymore. I don't understand myself anymore. I don't understand why I'm just too weak to handle this kind of thing. What am I hoping for? What do I want? Why do I even live in this world?

The fact that I have no more shoulders to cry on, no more back to give a surprise hug, no more hand to hold, no one to talk to, no one to understand, made me feel very lonely. And I know that there's nothing I can do about it.

I don't know why do I even come here in the first place. I should have just stay back in Malaysia, go to a boarding school or something. No one actually cares, so what? 

The days I spent in Australia is basically days of counting days til we're going to Malaysia back again. I honestly don't know what's the point I come here. What's the point I live here. What's the point of my life here?

Agreeing to come live in Australia is probably the biggest mistake I've ever made. But hey, 160 days left and I'm no longer have to be here. Just deal with it. No one will ever care, remember?