12 September 2014

I just don't know. Kay, dear future self, first of all, I'm sorry that I haven't been posting anything for like a very long time. It's because, well, you know why. Portfolio tasks, not in the mood, procrastination, me. But today was like the ASDFGHJKL-EST day of my life! I just don't even know why! I don't know who should I tell so here you go -- dear future self.

Kay, we had Maths for the first period. Miss Nurse (a really nice, kind and very pretty student teacher) had been teaching us for like a week or so I'm not sure but yea, and today she was away. So, Mr McPhail, our "real" teacher taught us.

Anyways, I wanna sit besides EY (don't wanna tell who it was) but then she sits right at the end of a table and of course she was saving the seat next to her for LT (don't wanna tell too). So, I just seat somewhere else. It's not that I always sit besides her. Then, Mr McPhail for some reason said that we could just do some Mathletics.

So, we moved to a computer class to do it. At first he said that we're going to J11, so we just move to J11. During our "journey", EY, (and LT of course) wanna walk using a long way, like walk around the Science block. So, I just follow them. But then, EY said "You can just use the short way".

I don't know why I'm so emotional about it but, if she really does accept me as her "best friend" (as she once said so) why couldn't she just let me follow them? I don't know whether it's just me being too sensitive or, yea. Back to my story, then when we're all moving to J11, suddenly Mr McPhail said that it's actually at T1. So we all just move to T1.

In T1, I tried sitting next to EY, but again, she sat at the end of a table and LT sat next to her. So, again, I sat somewhere else, all by myself. And I, day dreamed the whole period. Suddenly tears form in my eyes. But I blinked several times and the tears disappear. I don't know why I'm just so sad. It's not like I've never sit all by myself before. It's not that I always sit with someone before.

But maybe the way I keep hoping on EY yet she keep going to LT rather than me, makes me feel I'm not worth to be a friend of. I know for fact that she had known LT longer but why can't she actually try to be close to me? Well, maybe it's cause I'm dumb. I don't know how to start a conversation, how NOT to make it awkward. I'm boring. I'm plain, and awkward.

It's actually sad how the one I accept as my first best friend accepts me for like her number 132  friend.

Whatever it is, after Maths was English. Everything went pretty much normal accept for the fact that suddenly all of the stuffs that made me so sad appear out of the blue in my head and the tears come backk and Omar noticed it. So embarassing. All of this while I cried and nobody notices. Damn. But well, that's kay cause I said I'm fine and he just minds his own business.

Then, it was recess! I hangout with my sisters of course. Then I told them how EY treat me and they were like blaming me for it and stuffs. KI (not telling which sister) don't even hear what I'm telling them. They left me behind and once again, the tears appear. I just don't even know why.

Then I heard they talked about me like "Such a crybaby". Well, not really like that but the meaning of it to me is pretty much the same. Then the bell rang and it was IT. I was the first one to come in the class and Mr Stewart asked me "How's your day going, Humaira?" I paused, and said, "Good" with a fake smile taped on my face.

TBH, I don't even know what I was feeling. But IT was pretty much okay. Maybe because I just day dreamed and overthink most of the time. Besides, EY is not in my IT class. So, I don't really have to deal with how sad, how my heart had broken into pieces because of her.

After IT was French. Miss Matthews is still sick so she was away. I was the first one to come in the class (again). So, Mr Sub (I'm not sure what's his real name) asked me "How are you going?". And I kept quite. Mainly because I'm disappointed that Miss Spensieri is not the one substituting our class. But what am I expecting for?

"Good?" Mr Sub asked me, waking me up to reality. "Yea" I replied. I just, don't know. French class is always awkward with substitute teachers. I asked SH (my deskmate in French) whether I could hangout with her during lunch. Then she said "Why?" I was like 'Why not?' but I just told her that how I'm going back to Malaysia next year so I wanna at least hangout with someone in my grade.

When the truth is actually I'm sad with my sister and I don't wanna see her and because I don't even have any friend to hangout with me. The bell rang and it was Humanities. Miss Gray didn't come for some reason. She told us before that we could do either our English task or Humanities.

Everyone was happy because no teacher to them means free time. And the're all laughing around and yeah. They sat besides their besties while me, all alone- again. Guess what I did? Cry. Until my jacket's all wet. I know, I'm such a crybaby. True enough what they said. SJF notices it first, then the whole class knows.

They all asked me why and it all made me feel even sadder. But I don't want them to leave me either. Even EY asked my why. Huhh, weird aye? How the one made me sad don't even know it's because of her. Maybe it is just me being too sensitive. I just don't know what I was feeling, what I actually want from it. I said it's nothing and they all just leave me alone as if there's nothing wrong with me.

After all of the drama I made, they all mind their own business until then it was lunch. I search for SH at her locker cause that's where she said we're gonna meet. I wait and wait yet I still can't find her. Then I think maybe she got kept in so I just went to the toilet to wash my face. (My eyes seems like panda's eyes due to too much crying).

On the way to the toilet I bump into SH and her gang. And she said "Owh, I forgot to wait for you" or something like that. I felt very sad like 'Why?' I was about to cry again (why am I such a crybaby?) but she invited me to come with them so I just hide my tears and follow them.

It was such a nice lunch I forgot how sad I am to her. I met a lot of different people and for some reason I felt kinda happy. (I haven't felt that kind of "happy" for awhile tho). We played truth or dare and stuffs eventhough I'm just too awkward and there's no word to describe how awkward I am. Awhile later, the bell rang and we have to go back to our classes.

The last period was Science. I came to the class (well, outside of class). I can only see Levent and Sonja. Levent said Hi (which is for the very first time) and Sonja was listening to music. So, I just mind my own business too. Ben came and joined Levent. Miss Savic came and open the door for us.

We all came in and Miss Savic asked us to sit in the seating plan she told us to. I just sat in my seat but everyone else didn't. So, they all sat besides their besties and you know what happened. I'm all alone. And you know what I did too. I cried. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.

But that cry isn't the same as the ones before. I tried blinking a few times but instead of disappearing, the tears rolled out down to my cheeks and dropped on the Science worksheet we're filling in. I tried to inhale and exhale a few times but it just won't stop. At first it was rolling out like Angel Falls but then it became like Niagara Falls.

I don't know why, I'm just too damn emotional about everything.

But it's actually kind of weird. One moment I don't even care about anything. The other moment I care about everything but I'm just okay about it. The other moment, I'm just, too damn emotional about everything.

I cried, and cried, and cried until my eyes turn into a panda's eyes once again. The whole class notices it. Again.  All of those stuffs that makes me sad re-appear in my head and I can't help but to cry, and cry, and cry. Miss Savic taught us about Substances which is a topic I've learnt before. I used to learn it with my friends, but where are my friends now?

Then awhile later Miss Savic told us to do some questions. While we were all opening our books, she told me to come with her. I was like 'What's happening?' 'What am I gonna do?' 'What is she gonna do?'. Then we went to this room I have never came in before. (I think it's the Science block staff room).

She asked me to have a sit and she starts asking me what's wrong and such. I don't know why I just can't tell her. I don't even know why am I feeling sad. (Well, I actually know but I don't know how to tell her). She said that it's okay to feel sad. She asked me whether I would wanna talk to her.

I honestly wanna but I just don't know how. She asked whether I wanna talk to Miss Gray. I'm not sure about it but still, I just don't know how to explain it all to them. Even if I do tell them, what are they gonna do? I don't think they'll be any difference.

Miss Savic said that she'll always be there if I needed her. Well, everyone said like that when they don't even. I don't actually know what I'm hoping for. I don't even know what's going on in my life. I don't know what I want from my life. I'm clueless, I'm helpless. I'm hopeless.

Maybe the fact that everything's different. Maybe the fact that I've been denying it for too long. I don't know. Back in Malaysia, I used to be the class assistant and pretty much everyone in my grade know me. It isn't a big school so pretty much everyone in the school know me. 

Since I was the class assistant, pretty much everyone tell their problems to me. Pretty much I'm the one solving their problems, pretty much I'm the peacemaker, pretty much I'm the one everyone needed. (At least I think so)

Now - everything is different. Only some of my classmate actually know me. And I don't think any of my grade level rather than my classmate even know my presence in the school. No one even tell their stories, their problems to me. No one even like, say Hi to me that often. No one even need me.

And for some reason, I don't think I can solve my own problems by myself anymore. I don't understand myself anymore. I don't understand why I'm just too weak to handle this kind of thing. What am I hoping for? What do I want? Why do I even live in this world?

The fact that I have no more shoulders to cry on, no more back to give a surprise hug, no more hand to hold, no one to talk to, no one to understand, made me feel very lonely. And I know that there's nothing I can do about it.

I don't know why do I even come here in the first place. I should have just stay back in Malaysia, go to a boarding school or something. No one actually cares, so what? 

The days I spent in Australia is basically days of counting days til we're going to Malaysia back again. I honestly don't know what's the point I come here. What's the point I live here. What's the point of my life here?

Agreeing to come live in Australia is probably the biggest mistake I've ever made. But hey, 160 days left and I'm no longer have to be here. Just deal with it. No one will ever care, remember?

Mixed Emotions...

Sigh. My depression issue got worser. I just don't know. I think maybe it's because.. Sigh. Lately I've been trying hard to get close to Rina. (made up name) but I don't know why everytime I wanna be with her, when I go close to her, she goes to someone else. It's like she don't want to be my friend. I just don't know.

Sigh.

I just don't know. I'm just not in the mood for anything. I just don't know. I told Esin my problems and now I'm regretting it. What if she don't even care? What will actually happen? It will probably just be the same. Sigh. I just don't know? What am I expecting? I can't just force her to be my friend.. Sigh.

Can't wait till this will all over.

Vite!

It means quick in French. So, kay. I need to hurry cause my battery is 5% and yeah! Today we had double IT and nothing much happened. Then it's recess I hung out with Esin. Then it's Art I did my Lino print but Mr. Matt said that maybe it won't work because my line is too thin. But I don't think I care aha. Btw many of my classmates cut themselves we finished a box of bandages. Then it's Humanities. We had a sub teacher cause Miss Gray went to a primary school. We had to do this grees screen filming thing and I installed a USD2.99 app. After that it's lunch I hung out in the library with Kak Za cause I don't think Esin actually likes me. Cause during Art I sat next to her but then she moved to sit besides someone else. Anyways, then it's French and ITS NOT A NIGHTMARE. Miss Spensieri leaved us. And Miss Matthews came. I don't know whether it's just me or what but it seems like everyone is sad tho. Anyways I think that's all. Owh wait! I got "invited" to the thing I'm not sure but I think it's like a performance or something. Okay byeee

#Throwback: 26 August 2014.

Kay, tbh it's not even a throwback. I wrote it like that cause like if I publish this tomorrow, it's as if I "throwback" about today, aye? You get what I mean? No? Kay. It is all because I don't even know what Icha did the WiFi got asdfghjkl it's not working. 

Anyways, today I got double Humanities early in the morning. I helped Miss Gray arrange the tables and put down the chair and I got 10 tribute payments for that. The thing is, I don't actually mind. It's a basis to me.

lol suddenly I remembered how back in Malaysia I used to do this routine very evening. Kay, it's like this. I always went back home late and so those two of my besties. What we actually did were just wagging in the class and play cards or gadgets or just chatting or lazying around.

Because we "owns" the class, of course we have to be responsible for it, yea? Each one of us were responsible for a row of tables and chairs and a "gate" thing. To make things easier, the windows. In the count of three, we have to arrange all of our responsible tables and chairs and close the gates.

Whoever loses the game will have to treat everyone! Yeah! Nah jk. We always treat each other so it doesn't really matter. I can't really remember tho what we had as the winner or such. I think it's to leave the loser all alone in the dark classroom? Haha I'm not sure but it is such a nostalgic memory ;)

Anyways, for Humanities we had to start filming and such. I'm not sure whether we could finish it or naa cause like they're not paying attention and be serious. I don't even know how to handle to as a team leader. Sigh. May Allah ease everything.

The next period was a library session. We just did a spelling test and yeah. After that Miss Gray gave an announcement saying that she picked 10 person out of the class to choose our best copy thing but I'm not that sure tho. And yea, I met the Challenge in the VPRC thing and I now owned a certificate jyeah!

After that, it's Science. We just did our revision on Eclipses and stuffs. I really wanna tell Miss Savic that I've learnt it all before. But what could possibly happen even if I told her? Like, what's she gonna do? FYI, Miss Savic shown us a video about Solar Eclipse - the exact video Teacher Rin shown my class last year! Wow.

Then it's Lunch. I went to pray with Kak Za then I hung out with Esin. Nothing much happened tho. Like lol, what could probably happen? And then it's Maths and it's over! The internet's still not working and it's so dumb. I hope it will be kay tomorrow!! Ameen.

Teary

I just don't know what actually happened and what I felt today. Today is Miss Spensieri's last day :( I got so sad last night and throughout today until now. The only thing I could remember that made me happy was when we're coming into our French class. The French class before us just walk out and a girl from that class named Dina; I guess, asked me "Do you have French Class now?" I just answered "Yea" cause I'm seriously not in the mood to meet Miss Spensieri for the very last time. (I hope not). I'm just not ready. I don't want an ending! Then, she asked "What's your name?" And I just replied "Humaira" when suddenly Miss Spensieri came and said.. "She's the best student, didn't you know?" That made me so happy I felt like I was flying into the air. Then Dina asked "Then, how about me?" Miss Spensieri without hesitation replied "You're the second best student" and that made me even more happy I think I died for a moment. Then Dina started talking about her GPA mark and stuffs I realized back again-- this is real, this is happening. And I felt as if there's a knife of sadness stabbed deeply in me everything turns black for a moment all of the sadness comes to me back again. After all of the "nonsense", Miss Spensieri let us come into our class and said it's free time cause it's her last day and she wanna treat us with candies and stuffs. I just don't feel like candies. Eventhough I eat anything and everything, I just can't accept the fact that she's moving away that I don't feel like candies or anything :( I don't feel like eating. I wasn't even strong enough to see her face. I took my iPad and tried to distract myself but guess what I see? Guess what's on the news? The died bodies of the passengers boarding MH17; a Malaysian plane that got shot down in Ukraine, is coming home.. And it's officially Malaysia's Grief Day.. Eventhough I'm 6,435 kilometres away from Malaysia, I could still feel the tense and grief.. And all of this made me even sadder than ever. I got so sad I think I cried when unexpectedly Miss Spensieri called my name. I blinked my eyes a couple of times pretending as if there's something in my eyes. I faced her (eventhough I don't wanna) and realized that the whole class were looking at me. And that's when my heart stopped for a moment. "Why did handshake-d me?" She asked. I let out a relief sigh and explained it all to them all. Adna came to the front and asked Miss Spensieri her contacts but she won't give us cause she said she's our teacher and we're her students. Then Adna asked whether she could hug her, but Miss Spensieri said that she can't. Why? Cause she's our teacher and we're her students. "But we could have a Hi5?" Miss Spensieri said and they Hi5-ed each other. That made Adna so happy. Then I felt so lucky that I handshake-d her :D It makes me wonder.. In Malaysia, we kinda like have to handshake with our teacher at the end of each class to thank and show respect to them. We could just hug each other if we want to and our relationship was like friends or even sisters. We could just contact each other through Whatsapp, Facebook or any other ways to keep in touch with each other and that's basically what I do now. But why can't we do it here? It feels so different here and I think most of the teachers here don't even like me.. Except for Miss Spensieri :) Anyways, then our last period was finally over and it's time to say goodbye. Everyone doesn't seem like they want an ending for this too. For a few seconds we just stand there like statues while the bell rang like a hammer knocking our hearts into pieces. I gotta admit it, it's hard to say goodbye. I tried to be strong and keep my head up. I came to her, gave her my little card I made to show how I appreciated her presence in my life and think how life's gonna be like without her back again. "She won't even remember me" I thought. When suddenly she said "I wanna hug you" it made me really asdfghjkl I can't even describe what I felt. I hug her but I just can't hold it much longer. I let her go and ran outside of the class. I'm so happy yet so sad I just can't keep my mind right. I should have hug her longer and never let her go.. Sigh. It's weird how someone could be really special in your life eventhough they had just came. I can't imagine how she could be the one I'm looking forward to see everyday for the past six weeks of my life. And my! How six weeks had passed like a blink of an eye. Everything is going to be back to normal, I guess. But my perspective about French will never be the same again. She'll always be in my heart forever and I hope our memories will never fade.. Good luck, Miss Spensieri :) I pray that you'll excel in your career, in your life and everything you wanna do. You're the most lovely teacher I'd ever met in Roxburgh College ❤️ I'll be missing you so much!! TT Sincerely, Humaira.

😌

I don't know how to describe what happened today. It's like a mixture of happiness inside a black box. You know what I mean?? Hunn, whatevs. So, today I got double Maths at the start of the day. We just proceed doing our PFT. Nothing had actually happened I guess?

Then it's recess. It's weird how we can do anything we want to during recess. My school back in Malaysia's recess was just like snack time and we had to go to the canteen. (If we don't wanna we could stay in our class and play cards or just lazying around).

I hung out with my sisters of course and we eventually sat on the grass in the middle of the field. It's because there's no canteen or such! I know there's benches everywhere but there are lots of people of course.

The bell rang and it's double English. I don't think we did anything much tho? Hunn. Turns out that today aren't that good yea? So I'm just gonna say what actually made me felt happy today. During lunch, Farrah invite me to join her team!!

At first we went to the canteen, then to the back of the school I guess. It was so much fun (if I wasn't that awkward). I just don't know. For some reason I can't talk in groups. I just don't know why. If it's just me and the other person it's just kay for some reason. I just don't know.

Btw I think one of the girl in her team doesn't like me so I just don't know. She eventually YELL to me (well, not yell but speaking loudly) saying "can't you talk?" Or something like that? Yea. Everyone said I'm so tho. The thing is, I talked a lot in my head I didn't realize that I didn't talk too much in reality 😛

Kay I think maybe that's all cause it's 1035 pm already and I haven't finished my homework and start packing up yet 😆 tata see ya 👋